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* = Excrement
** = Stomachable
*** = Milky Tea
**** = Kool and the Gang
***** = Godlike

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Tonality of Andrew Marr's Voice - BBC Radio 4 ****

According to my secret sources (the BBC) Andrew Marr's early morning round table chinwag Start The Week is now one of the most popularly podcasted radio shows in the galaxy. At least two thirds of the audience are thought to tune in purely to see if they can hear the echo of his voice rebounding off his elephantine ears. Many reviews of this show concentrate on irrelevancies such as "content", "liveliness" and "intellectual vigour". What you are reading, as far as I can tell, is the first absolutely scientifically objective review of Marr's vocal orgy. This review concentrates purely on the tonality of Andy's throat noise and is therefore completely and utterly undeniable.

Andrew Marr - the thinking woman's toby jug.

9:00 am: Marr says "Hello!". His voice is pitched somewhere between a smashing bottle and a jackhammer. He introduces today's guests. Terry Wogan sounds drunk. By the way - Terry Wogan is not actually on today's panel - he just sounds drunk. Period.

Andrew Marr - he thinks bad thoughts.

9:16 am: Andrew sounds possessed. He talks to a man about why most Islamic extremists tend to be attracted to people with no socks. He sounds like the girl in The Exorcist who pukes over her dog. His guests are mainly polite, although Professor Winston is almost certainly masturbating.

Andrew Marr - ex Political Editor of the BBC and ardent fan of peacocks.

9:32 am: Just after half nine and Andy sounds like a pensioner on crack. He's talking to Simon Callow about the breadth of dwarves. He seems to chuckle, but it could just be the sound of his ears flapping.

Andrew Marr - laughs at your lesser intelligence.

9:44 am: The Marr man finishes in classic Andy style by getting his voice to exactly mimick a smoke alarm. "We'll be back next week," he says and his voice sounds like a strained cat strapped to a burning violin. "When the panel will include Sir John Gielgud..." No one has told Andrew that Sir Gielgud is dead. They'll have to get Kate Adie in to impersonate his voice again.


Andrew Marr's voice still has the power to excite. His elucidation helps his listeners immediately recognise him as a pig loving man. Where would the nation be without Andrew Marr? Marching under swatikas and speaking bloody French, that's where! It's about time we gave this national icon the respect he deserves. Andrew Marr for Queen!

Rating: **** = Kool and the Gang


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